ITT Tech and The University of Phoenix were not the first institutions to offer accelerated courses with quick job placement. In fact, this marketing/education tool has been in use from the days of Cain and Abel. I speak, of course, of the Master Mahan degree offered at Satan’s University (“SU”). You can find information about SU, whose mascot (of course) is The Devil, through several ways: disregarding the promptings of the Holy Ghost, watching anything on MTV or VH1, listening to 99.99% of the music on the radio today, and many other ways.

“[SU’s inception] begins . . . with Satan seeking to promote himself even in the pre-mortal existence, and being cast out of heaven in his pride, and dedicating himself upon his fall to the destruction of this earth, ‘for he knew not the mind of God’ (Moses 4:6). [On earth] he . . . will control the world economy by claiming possession of the earth’s resources; and by manipulation of its currency – gold and silver – he will buy up the political, military, and ecclesiastical complex and run everything his way. . . . He not only offers employment but a course of instruction in how the whole thing works, teaching the ultimate secret: ‘That great secret’ (Moses 5:49-50) of converting life into property. Cain got the degree of Master Mahan, tried the system out on his brother, and gloried in its brilliant success, declaring that at last he could be free, as only property makes free, and that Abel had been a loser in a free competition.” (Hugh W. Nibley, APPROACHING ZION, pp. 165-166)

The proud Dean of SU, Satan himself, taught Cain “the great secret,” that you can murder your brothers and sisters to get gain. After graduating from SU, Cain said, “Truly I am Mahan, the master of this great secret, that I may murder to get gain.” (Moses 5:31) “Wherefore Cain was called Master Mahan; and he gloried in his wickedness.” Id.

Graduation from SU entails a great secret combination, which is outlined in Moses 5. SU’s Master Mahan course of instruction includes 3 easy steps:

1) The student must love the Dean more than God,
2) The student must swear unto the Dean by his throat that if he reveals the secret he will die,
3) The student must make his accomplices swear by their own heads and the living God that they will not reveal the secret or risk losing their own lives, and
4) The Dean will then swear unto the student to do anything the student commands – like deliver the student’s brother unto him so that the student may murder his brother and take his brother’s possessions. (Moses 5:28-30)

Now that’s quick job placement! Satan imitates everything in the Gospel, and perverts it. His original plan was to save everyone, and now it is the mockery of the ordinances of the endowment. Look at Moses 5:29 again, the students swear by the Living God, but the Dean doesn’t want Adam to know about it because Adam is the head of the Church and would put an abrupt stop to it.

“The discipline was handed down through Lamech and finally became the pattern of the world’s economy (Moses 5:55-60). . . . One may see Mahan at work all around, from the Mafia, whose adherence to the principle needs no argument, down to the drug pusher, the arms dealer, the manufacturer and seller of defective products, or those who poison the air and water as a shortcut to gain and thus shorten and sicken the lives of all their fellow creatures.” (Hugh W. Nibley, APPROACHING ZION, pp. 166-167)

In the last days, John teaches that the “merchants of the earth” would weep over Babylon’s demise. Why? Because they lose their industry wherein one of their hottest products was “slaves and [the] souls of men” (Rev. 18:11-13). Some may say that this refers to false religions buying and selling men’s souls as prophesied in Mormon 8:32. But I believe Babylon enslaves and destroys men’s souls using “the great secret.”

The degree of Master Mahan is being earned every day at an unprecedented rate by people we see, and in some instances worship. I speak not only of the “merchants of the earth” who are the peddlers of the filth and immorality spewing from the Internet, our television sets, and radios, but also of celebrities whose immoral and idiotic lives have captivated millions of our brothers and sisters. Truly, the world’s economy in these last days is run on the Master Mahan system.

On a daily basis celebrities graduate (some with high honors) from SU and covenant, whether they know it or not, with the Dean. (I find it amusing when some of them attempt to be religious) The Dean, on the other hand, has no trouble delivering all of us unto them through the innumerable media outlets. Once we are captivated by the celebrity allure, the Master Mahan methodically converts our life into property, by taking our spiritual lives as we consistently throw our money, acclaim, and adoration at their feet.

Apparently, the system works! Any thoughts?